I am traveling this week with my wife and having a good time.
We get to do fun things together.
More fun things than we ever thought possible.
We’ve even now arranged our work so that we can both be mobile.
Also, I love what I am doing.
It’s perfect.
But two night ago I had a series of nocturnal panic attacks.
They are rare for me, but I have them. I rarely have multiple in one night, though. If you have them, you understand.
The most common thing I ask myself is also the most common thing others ask me when they happen.
“What are you so anxious about?”
The answer is always the same.
“I don’t know.”
There isn’t typically a circumstantial issue that triggers them for me. At least not a conscious one. Actually, apart from my very first panic attack in my early thirties, none of them have occurred at times when I felt especially anxious or stressed.
Maybe it’s simply my brain chemistry.
Or maybe it’s months and years of suppression.
But what they do teach me is something that I am reluctant to want to learn:
I am not in control.
Ultimately, my body and mind sometimes do things I don’t want them to do. This isn’t just frustrating. It creates more anxiety. Fundamentally, my anxiety stems from my lack of ability to control the world. As does yours.
This is the genius of the twelve steps of recovery.
Getting better always starts with admitting your powerlessness.
I can’t tell you how this applies to your life.
But I can tell you for sure that it does.
We are all powerless.
We all live in denial of our powerlessness.
Until we can’t.
So, take some deep breaths today. Know you are not alone. Know we are in this together. Know nothing is ever quite as scary or terrible as it seems once you talk about it.
So, I talked about it.
Thanks for listening today.
I didn't realize I was having them for a long time, I thought I was "just stressing out" but for me they usually ramped up right before I was making my final push out the door to get to work.
I think that is the beauty of what you are doing here. "Maybe" if I would have read this 5 years ago I would have noticed that was what was going on for me. At very least, I can chime in and normalize that as humans, our nervous systems are wired to be on alert for threats. Sometimes our sensors need recalibrating.
Thanks for sharing Joe!
It’s an inspiration to listen to you and even though I’ve never had panic attacks I’m sure that every one that’s here and suffered them greatly appreciate your honesty and support.